People Share The Red Flags They Ignored In Relationships That Turned Out To Be Toxic
Hindsight truly does have 20/20 vision, especially for some of the pond scum that we've all dated. It can be hard to tell in the moment, but looking back, that little behavior your partner did that you brushed off was evidence of a toxic relationship.
Twitter user Halima, @imdatfeminist, reached out asking people to share things that they realize now were signs their relationship was toxic. It's alright if you didn't realize in the moment, because literally none of us know what we're doing. But it's important to talk about what to watch out for—before we regret it later.
You're Not Crazy, You're Right
It's a huge sign of manipulation if someone doesn't like being called out on doing it.
So what do they do when they're caught in the act? Try to manipulate you more into thinking you're crazy. I'm here to tell you that you're not.
Do. Not. Do. This.
This man wasn't only trying to make his partner jealous, but he was trying to pit her against other women, even strangers, to make her feel jealous and lesser.
I'm glad they're broken up, but man I wish she would've done this right back to him.
He Pulled This After Couples Counselling
Just because you're smart doesn't mean you can be a huge jerk. Hasn't this man seen Legally Blonde?
Also, don't drag Freud into this, he has enough issues to deal with.
It's The Actions Not Words, You Know?
After hearing the words "I'm sorry" a thousand times for the same stuff, they really start to lose their meaning.
Change is a beautiful thing, and it starts by actually sticking by your word.
You're Not Their Property? Your Phone Isn't Theirs?
When you're young you literally have no idea what's right and wrong because you're new to dating—so often people take advantage of that.
If you trust someone you shouldn't feel like you have to check to see if they're hiding something from you (also she was 15, what secrets could she possibly have???)
How "His" Woman Should Dress
I'm so angry at this. Reading this tweet is going to fuel all my rage workouts for a month after this.
Just thinking about the debt she probably took on, the manipulation, and the control he put over her makes my fingers type a little harder on the keyboard.
There's No Such Thing As "Catfish Tinder Accountant"
Okay, I'm sorry this woman had to go through this Tinder mind-screw and yes, maybe she was being a little naive, but she clearly trusted him and he took advantage of that.
Being a trusting partner is nothing to ever regret.
Trying To Make You Jealous? Start Packing Your Bags
Is jealous really this man's barometer for how much his partner cares?
If so, I would like to remind him he's probably not that great and this is probably the reason why she left him. Just saying.
"I Love You" Needs A Little More Buildup
This is a big YIKES. Not only is this the number one unspoken rule in dating but it's also evidence that this person doesn't have a good handle on their emotions.
The only stranger you're allowed to love is Chuck from Gossip Girl.
"You Can't Have Guy Friends" Is Insecure Man Speak
I want to yell this from a rooftop so all the insecure people in the world can hear me—PLATONIC RELATIONSHIPS EXIST.
I don't know why this is so hard for some people to grasp, but it's the truth.
Yelling At Wait Staff Is A Huge Giveaway
Having a temper is something that everyone can work to control and channel into healthy and constructive things. But taking it out on other people?
That's just negative, embarrassing, and frankly, makes you an awful person to bring anywhere out to eat.
This Is Textbook Projection
Funny how projection works. The person in the wrong spends so much time worrying about what you're doing to try and distract from the fact that they're the one in the wrong.
It's these kinds of mind games that make me reach for the Chardonnay and the bubble bath.
Two-Sided People Can Go Ahead And Just Stop
You know that he was performing the "happy boyfriend" role in public for everyone to see so that nobody would believe her when she told them about his other side.
I'm glad she's not dealing with this anymore because this is the absolute worst kind of manipulation.
The "Ex" Girlfriend
Um, okay yes, if someone is coming out and saying they're dating your boyfriend then you definitely should break up with him.
But again, he was preying on the trust she gave him to make her question everyone's word except for his.
You Should Never Feel Like You Have To Tread Carefully. Ever.
Whether it's because you fear their temper, the silent treatment, or another argument, walking on eggshells around your partner is never good.
You should be able to talk to them—you're dating after all.
Wanting To Communicate Doesn't Make You A Villain
I'm sorry for sounding like relationship advice you've heard 1000 times before, but communication is the basis for a relationship. And that's that.
Bad guys don't talk about their feelings to the heroes, do they?
How Could You Just Do This To A Person's Head?
In what way is this a constructive way to give someone pointers about how they're acting? If he really wanted her to change he would've been something other than destructive.
Well, if Donna ever runs into him again she has my permission to tell him I don't like him.
You, And I Cannot Stress This Enough, Are Allowed To Hurt
Asking someone to apologize for being upset when you hurt them is like asking a pedestrian hit by a car to apologize for being so naive to think that they could walk on a sidewalk.
I'm sorry for the analogy, but it creepily works doesn't it?
I Hate Nothing More Than This Turnaround
If you're mad and all of a sudden your partner turns things around on you and plays the victim I can guarantee you'll never solve anything in that relationship.
Because that's exactly how every argument is going to go.
If You're Spending This Much Time Editing Your Texts, There's Something Seriously Wrong
You should never feel like you need to edit your words to the point where you're terrified to ever say the wrong thing that'll get a negative reaction from them.
If they can't control their emotions then that's on them, you should never feel responsible.
The Feelings Are Easy To Mix Up
Sometimes, in a relationship, it's easy to mistake your heart racing and your nervous feelings for merely being passionate.
But in reality, you're often just scared or uneasy for less desirable reasons.
Guilt-Trips Are A Clear Red Flag
I think one of the clearest signs that someone is toxic is when, rather than taking accountability for the way they've made you feel or trying to have a productive discussion, they try to make you the bad guy.
It's a relationship, not an "enemies to lovers" romance trope.
He Is Not Your Father!
You shouldn't have to ask your partner for permission.
Even if you're making a major life decision that will affect you both, you ultimately should be compromising, not asking for permission.
He Only Likes You When He Feels Like You're Weak
You shouldn't have to beg your partner to give you affection. Period.
If you find yourself feeling like you have to act in certain ways to perform certain tasks to get it, you should leave.
Raise Your Hand If You've Ever Been Personally Victimized By The Manic Pixie Dream Girl Trope
One of the most jarring and awful experiences to have in a relationship is to realize that your partner doesn't actually like you.
They only like a certain version of you that they have mentally idolized.
Toxic Partners Need To Keep You Small
A toxic person doesn't want to see you succeed or be happy due to your own actions.
They want you to feel small, insecure, and needy so that they can keep you dependent on them.
It's So Easy? Just Don't Do It?
This is a PSA to everyone in a relationship: it's very easy to not cheat on your partner. In fact, it is much easier to not cheat than it is to cheat.
If they use this logic, they're planning on doing it anyway and there's no way to stop them.
Oooh, A Triple Threat
I will never trust a man who feels the need to interrogate a sexy picture which he should be honored to receive.
Secondly, a partner talking about you going to the gym but refusing to go with you is just all around sus. Thirdly, never let someone berate you for their temper.
They Purposely Hurt You? Toxic
An undeniable reality of being in a relationship is that, at some point, your actions or words will hurt your partner.
However, there is a difference between doing it accidentally and actively trying to inflict pain.
Man Had A Whole Other Family
I am a firm believer in googling a partner when you start seeing them because you never know what you'll find.
Get a background check. It's amazing what people can hide from you.
So How Can You Be Conscious Of Red Flags?
There are so many red flags that come up in relationships that people clearly aren't able to recognize while they are happening.
So how do we learn to see and address red flags?
Some Of It Comes With Experience
Like most of the people who tweeted in this thread, a lot of learning what red flags look like in practice, unfortunately, comes from experiencing those behaviors in a partner and then learning to avoid them in future partners.
There's no better teacher than experience, and we are so sorry that's the case.
Keep A Record Of A Partner's Concerning Behaviors
Sometimes individual actions that bother you might not seem like a red flag until you see the big picture with all their red flag behaviors together.
Keeping a record in a personal journal for your own use can help you identify an overarching problem earlier.
Talk To Loved Ones About It
When you're in a relationship, it's easy for the lines to get blurred on how you feel, especially because toxic partners will gaslight you.
Talk to friends/family about your relationship because they'll bring up concerns about your partner's behavior when they see them.
Truly Listen To Your Gut Feeling
Does spending time with your significant other leave you feeling worse than before? Do you, in general, feel much worse now than you did at the beginning of the relationship?
Our emotions are powerful indicators of our environments, and you should trust your gut when something feels wrong.
Ask Yourself, Would They Accept It If I Treated Them This Way?
One of the most telling signs that someone is toxic is that they hold you and your behaviors to a different standard than their own.
If they would be angry/upset if the roles were reversed, you should leave the relationship.
As A Whole, We Need To Hold Toxic People Accountable
Realizing that someone is toxic should not always fall on the shoulders of the person they are victimizing.
As a whole in society, we need to do more to hold toxic people accountable.
Call People Out When They Perpetuate Toxic Behaviors
If you notice people around you (friends, family, acquaintances) using manipulative or toxic tactics while dating, call them out on it and tell them that their behavior is not okay.
Toxic people want you to ignore their manipulative behavior, and sometimes all it takes is calling it out to put them on their back foot.
After All, Toxicity Thrives In Silence
When we remain quiet when someone does something we know is wrong, we inadvertently give them the green light to continue doing the bad thing.
Calling them out at least lets them know that people don't approve of their actions.
You Can't Change A Toxic Person
Most of all, you can't force a person to give up their toxic and harmful tendencies.
You can't make a partner treat you better if they don't want to. The best thing you can do is let them go and hope they eventually learn their lesson.
