Man Asks The Internet If He’s Wrong To Not Let Wife Be Stay At Home Mom — What Do You Think?
Every family is a little different, and more than ever, that can be true about how its dynamics work. While it was once common for members of three generations to live in the same household, this fell by the wayside with the rise of the nuclear family. However, not every household has two parents running it.
And in houses that do, it's increasingly common for both parents to contribute to the household's income. However, some families will still find the most value in having one parent stay at home while the kids grow up. Yet, this common situation arose under unusual circumstances in one man's relationship, which made him suspicious.
A relationship with a single mother
By the time he made a Reddit post explaining his dilemma, a 28-year-old user who goes by EfficientGazelle4739 had been dating a 29-year-old woman named Amy since May of 2022. They had met through a mutual friend, and for most of their time together, the relationship went well.
By the time the couple met, Amy had already had two twin boys from a previous relationship. Her boyfriend made his Reddit post when the twins were seven years old, which means they were either five or six when they met him.
The makings of a happy family
Although it can often be tough to navigate a relationship with a new partner's children, that didn't seem to be an issue in this case. After all, the man has gotten along great with the twins since the very beginning.
As such, the couple became comfortable enough to discuss moving in together. Naturally, whatever place they found and the process of moving would need to be as easy on the children as possible. Even now, that isn't the issue for the man.
There were plans the man wasn't aware of
Indeed, nothing about the arrangements they were discussing seemed like they'd be a problem for the man. However, that changed when Amy asked him about the possibility of finding a place with rent that he could afford to pay on his own.
Why would that be a priority to her? Apparently, she was seeking such a place in the event that she became a stay-at-home mother. However, there was a special reason why that was a confusing prospect for the man.
More kids are not likely to be on the table
This hint of what Amy had in mind made him wonder what circumstances she envisioned that would require her to become a stay-at-home mom. After all, the last thing the man was planning to do was bring more children into the family.
That's because he had undergone a vasectomy two years before they had this conversation, and Amy was aware of that procedure. Although vasectomies don't make pregnancies impossible, they're typically effective enough to make them extremely unlikely. One can't plan on a vasectomy failing.
Amy wanted this all along
As it turned out, Amy wasn't interested in having any more children either. Instead, she said that it has always been her dream to be a stay-at-home mom for the twins. She believed they would also majorly benefit from having her at home.
Although she acknowledged that it would put a lot of responsibility on the man to fund the household, she wanted to talk more in-depth about her dream. She even suggested that they could start living that way as soon as they moved in together.
It didn't seem like a wise decision to him
When that discussion happened, the man told Amy that he didn't feel comfortable being the sole breadwinner for four people. Although he could afford the rent on his own, he didn't think the same would be true for the groceries, the home's bills, and whatever else the children would need.
Even if he could somehow make it all work, he didn't see how they could possibly save any money with that arrangement. In those circumstances, it would only take one financial emergency to ruin everything.
The request was strange for other reasons
Although the man could see the benefit of having a parent available at all times for a child, he also didn't see it as a necessity in the case of the twins. After all, they'd be at school for most of the day at their ages.
Given these factors and the stress that would come from trying to make Amy's arrangement work, the man didn't see how it would be healthy for their relationship. In response, Amy said she understood and that it was fine.
A call that revealed it was not fine
Since the couple didn't speak about the matter further, the man thought it was settled. However, he received a phone call a week after their discussion that told him otherwise. It was from Amy's mother and while the conversation started sweetly, it didn't end that way.
In a harsh opening salvo, the mother asked him why he decided to date a single mother if he was not prepared to step up for her and her kids. Naturally, he didn't think this was a fair way to characterize his situation.
The man was less than amused
Understandably, the man resented the obvious guilt trip from Amy's mom. Although he didn't say this to her, he mentioned missing the part about dating a single parent where one was supposed to accept total financial responsibility for their family happily.
What he did say was that — with all due respect to the mother — any discussions about the couple's future plans were between him and Amy. He didn't feel the matter was any of her mother's business.
The mother didn't let up
However, the mom ignored this, and since Amy won't have any more kids while being with the man, so this was her only chance to be completely devoted to her sons. She also decided that the man could "easily" afford to take care of the whole family.
With that in mind, she was apparently convinced that he was just being stingy and was unwilling to make any kind of sacrifice. At this point, he was enraged. However, he avoided saying anything he'd regret. Instead, he reiterated that it wasn't the mom's business and ended the call.
An argument starts
Naturally, this led the man to ask Amy what that phone call was all about, which led her to reply that she needed to vent about their discussion and that her mom had her best interests at heart.
She also said that she thought it would be better for him to get her mother's perspective before he makes a decision. Since the mom's perspective was so off-base and manipulative in his eyes, it almost goes without saying that he did not agree.
Their argument went nowhere
The man retorted, wondering whether this meant that it would be productive for him to call his mother and tell him that Amy was trying to get him to bankroll her family's lives. He implied that she wouldn't likely think she was getting much insight from someone insulting her either.
She sidestepped this somewhat rhetorical question by saying that the man was taking her mother's phone call too personally. She also said that she should've expected that conversation to go badly after their discussion. This left the man unsure what to do.
A note about the children's father
Although the overwhelming consensus on the man's situation was quite clear, some Reddit users still had some questions. Namely, where was the children's father if all the financial responsibility was supposed to be incumbent on Amy's new boyfriend?
In an edit to his post, the man explained that he doesn't harbor any ill will toward their father but that child support isn't possible for him. This is apparently because he doesn't have any money and lives on the other side of the world.
He apparently tries his best
From the sounds of things, the father of the twins is in a position where he financially struggles to care for himself. Due to some serious health problems, this is unlikely to change because his condition hampers his attempts to find employment.
Despite all of this, he's diligent about calling the twins and remains as active in their lives as he can, given the circumstances. Amy also presently makes enough money to care for both her children and herself.
People were stunned by his situation
Some commenters couldn't believe Amy's audacity in presenting the man with the most one-sided arrangement she could think of. Although she seemed to recognize it was a big ask, that didn't stop her from implying that he was supposed to be OK with it.
As one user put it, "Since you're happy to play with my kids...now pay for them. Oh, and me too. Why? Because I said so!" After expressing their disbelief, this person told the man to "run for the hills."
They didn't trust her as far as they could spit a rat
Given how the situation spiraled after the man had thought the matter was resolved, commenters urged him to be on the lookout if Amy suddenly reverses course before they're supposed to move in together. That's because they think she'll try to make her "dream" happen no matter what.
Specifically, they think that she'll quit her job while pretending she was fired or laid off. Once that happens, the man can expect a suspiciously long period of her trying and apparently struggling to find work.
She accidentally revealed her playbook
The fact that Amy clearly and unilaterally involved her mother in the situation also didn't sit right with the Reddit community. That felt like an ambush and a sign of things to come if this relationship continues.
As one commenter said, "Her bringing her mom into it to try to bully you into doing what she wants is not only ridiculous but childish as well." This user also cautioned the man to consider if he seriously wants a relationship that her mother will always get to influence.
There were other ways to make this work
Another warning sign for the man was the fact that there didn't seem to be any flexibility in what Amy and her mother wanted. And that matters because there were other options available if this was really about bettering her kids' home life.
Some users mentioned that it would be entirely possible for her to get a part-time job that only takes up time her twins would be spending at school anyway. Instead, the only option in her mind was to foist all breadwinning responsibilities on him.
A concerning response that overwhelmed him
Although the situation at large appeared to fluster the man enough that he didn't pick up an implicit threat, one commenter noticed something concerning in Amy's response to his protests about her mother calling him.
The fact that she ended that conversation by saying, "You should have expected things would not go so great," implied that he could expect similar berating from her mother any time they disagree again. In the words of one user, "THAT statement alone would give me serious pause about continuing a relationship with someone."
The vasectomy was likely a blessing here
Most commenters found it deeply strange that Amy and her mother would think anyone would accept what they have in mind without questioning it, but some figure it's because that wasn't the original plan.
It was hard for some not to notice that the man's vasectomy was turned into an excuse for Amy to have a "last chance" to devote herself to her children. This led them to believe that if he hadn't had one, she would have waited until they already had one on the way to reveal her "dream."
Maybe Amy was thrown off her game
If there's one silver lining in the man's predicament, it was the timing for when Amy broached this subject with him in the first place. Although he had become close to him and her twins, there wasn't anything legally binding them together yet.
As one user worded it, "You're lucky this woman isn't smarter/more devious than she is, or she would have waited to move in first and conveniently lose her job." It seems Amy put a little too much confidence in her mother's gaslighting.
An unfortunate opinion among some commenters
Although most commenters were united in the belief that Amy's demands were outrageous, some took this as an example of why it never works out to date a woman with kids. This was a pretty sweeping and unfair generalization, and other users let them know it.
As one woman said in reply to such a comment, "Don't tar all single mothers with the same brush. Some of us work and actually enjoy it." Others emphasized that they would never expect their partners to accept such an unfair arrangement.
It was clear to most what Amy really wanted
Although the man's relationship with Amy up to this point may have led him to give her the benefit of the doubt, it was pretty clear to most commenters what her end goal was. As much as she may want to dress her desires up as a "dream" to benefit her kids, it's at least partially a façade.
In the words of one user, "She wants YOU to be the sole provider for her AND her kids so she can stay at home all day mooching off you! That would be a "Hell, no!" From any sane man."
Not everyone's dreams come true.
Even if it is true that Amy has always dreamed of what she's looking for, that doesn't necessarily make her dream realistic or innocent. After all, the vast majority of people would love nothing more than to live a comfortable life where they never need to work again.
However, that's simply not how life works for most people. It's also hard to stomach the idea of putting a partner one supposedly loves through a world of stress and desperation just to avoid contributing a fair share to a relationship.
Almost everybody told the man to run as far away as he can
Having established that the living arrangement Amy and her mother were badgering the man to accept was likely a complete trap, commenters overwhelmingly advised him not to move in with her.
Indeed, many of them believed he should go further than that and break up with her entirely. After all, if he can't trust her, what's the point of staying with her? In the words of one commenter, "Amy thinks she found a sucker. Prove her wrong and end this farce."
She has it backwards
Although many commenters noted that the fact the woman's children would be in school for much of the day doesn't necessitate her being a stay-at-home mom, some were particularly confused by the timing of this desire.
That's because in the experience of these commenters, many stay-at-home parents are likely to start thinking about returning to work when their children turn seven. Leaving work around that time struck them as trying to do everything backwards. That only confirmed their suspicions.
Everyone he'd be supporting can start contributing
Reddit user SockMaster9273 was vehement about reminding the man that he can't afford to live the way his girlfriend wanted him to. They also said that dating a single parent doesn't automatically constitute signing up to handle every financial responsibility they have.
Moreover, the kids are starting to get old enough to do things themselves. In their words, "Her kids are in school and old enough to be doing some chores around the house so there really should be no reason she should be a stay at home mom."
The girlfriend revealed more than she intended to
With both her demand and her involvement of her mother in the couple's argument, the girlfriend likely revealed more of her true intentions than she intended. She appeared to consider her relationship not as a loving partnership, but as a convenient opportunity.
As Reddit user One-Awareness3671 said, "Now you know why she's in a relationship with you. You can never have kids, so you can now take in the responsibility of her kids." It doesn't say very promising things about that relationship's future.
It sounds like this came out of nowhere
What also struck commenters as odd was how sudden this news of what the woman wanted was for her boyfriend. After all, people who dream of something all their lives tend to mention it once or twice when they're in a long-term relationship.
As Reddit user Huge-Independence140 put it, "Her dreams has always been to be a stay at home mom? Did she tell you this when you two were dating? What about your dreams, like saving to buy a house or something?"
Finally, it's worth noting this relationship's length
Although so many commenters rightly pointed out that the girlfriend's expectations were unreasonable, her trying to unilaterally dictate their relationship was a red flag, and her mother's involvement was an even bigger red flag, there's one thing to remember.
At best, this all happened a year-and-a-half into their relationship. If someone enters a relationship only to be blindsided with the expectation that they'll always handle absolutely all of an entire family's financial responsibilities before an engagement even happens, what reason do they have to stay in it?
