Man Proposed To Girlfriend And Got Rejected (Twice), Wonders If He’s Wrong For Leaving Her
When a relationship blooms, one common problem people face concerns how quickly it progresses. Rushing into a marriage is akin to walking a tightrope without a safety net, while a long period of reticence to turn a relationship into an engagement can leave partners feeling like they're stuck in a go-nowhere position.
For that reason, proposing marriage can be a seriously nerve-wracking event for everyone involved and it's understandable that someone would need time to think after that proposal comes out of nowhere. However, one man's story illustrates that there are limits to that kind of grace if a partner seems indecisive or inconsiderate rather than cautious.
A passionate relationship
When Reddit user exiledbyfamily made a post describing a dilemma he was embroiled in, he first explained that it stemmed from a four-year relationship with his girlfriend, Sierra. He described his absolute love for her and his feeling that she is his soulmate.
Naturally, these feelings made him inclined to marry her. He felt this way two years into their relationship but wanted to wait an additional year until he improved his financial situation. Once he got his ducks in a row, he couldn't wait.
A perfectly chosen location
A year prior to the man's Reddit post, he took his girlfriend to the beach while there wasn't anyone else around. And this wasn't just any beach. It was also the site of their first date three years prior.
From the sounds of things, he couldn't have planned it better. He waited until he could support some new responsibilities, he chose a location that was deeply meaningful to them, and he was smart enough not to do it in front of a bunch of people.
A sudden setback
However, Sierra's response was to look at him and say, "I want to marry you, but not right now." She then told him she wasn't in the right personal space to get engaged and to give her some time.
Although the man felt stung by this, he felt that it was only fair to give her time to prepare for their engagement. After all, he admitted that he would have also proposed a year earlier if he was more impulsive.
A second chance at a romantic proposal
After another year had passed, the man decided to try again. This time, he enlisted their mutual friends to help him plan the second proposal because he wanted it to be even better than the first one.
What this team came up with was a nice dinner and then a trip to their city's botanical garden. There, he would wait until they passed in front of a landmark fountain in the garden before getting down on one knee and showing her the ring again.
An important clarification
Since the man involved his friends this time, it was easy to get the impression that this proposal happened in front of them. That would be an important factor for what followed, as the pressure of hearing a proposal in front of others can have a serious effect on the response.
However, he eventually edited his post after receiving comments with that consideration in mind. He explained that while the friends helped him set up the proposal, they weren't actually present when it took place. Once again, the proposal was private.
Nothing had changed
Although the dinner went very well and everything happened as planned, Sierra's immediate response when the man proposed again was to start crying and say, "Not just yet." Understandably, this hurt him even worse because he had long known that he wanted to spend his life with her.
Yet, he was hit with the reality that she apparently didn't feel the same way yet again. And he didn't feel any more comforted after he asked her why she was rejecting him this time.
A non-explanation
Naturally, this led the man to ask Sierra why she still felt she couldn't marry him and the answer was as vague as it was the year prior. She needed time and wasn't personally ready to be married.
Since this didn't clarify anything for him, he asked if there was a friend or family member in her life who was holding her back from getting engaged. All she told him in response was, "I just want to make sure that this will work."
The man's breaking point
Ironically, this response seemed to all but guarantee that their relationship wouldn't work in the man's mind. As he put it, "This hurt me more than the 2 rejections." In response, he asked what could possibly make her sure she wants to get married if she still doesn't know after four years together.
Again, she told him that she needed more time. However, that wasn't an answer he was accepting anymore. In his words, "I told her that I'm not gonna keep wasting my time and love if she’s gonna keep saying no."
Sierra backpedals
Since he wasn't convinced that Sierra would ever have enough time to accept his proposal, he told her that he couldn't be with her anymore. Clearly, this wasn't what she was expecting him to say, so she started begging him not to leave.
During this pleading, Sierra said, "Fine, I'll marry you, just please don't go." Since that "fine" made it clear that this still wasn't something she really wanted, this attempted concession only made him angry. So, he left in silence.
An intense and overwhelming response
After he walked away, the man has been subjected to a barrage of messages from Sierra, her parents, and some of their friends. The message was the same from all of them. They believed that the man was unreasonably cruel not to accept that answer.
As the man worded it, they said he was wrong for "Throwing away a four year relationship because she said no, and that I was being a big baby. She just needs some time."
He wasn't receiving any real support
After Sierra's family and some of their mutual friends made their positions clear to him, the man sought other perspectives to see if he was truly in the wrong. However, the friends who didn't explicitly side with Sierra also didn't side with him.
Nonetheless, he doesn't feel as though he did anything wrong. So, he asked Reddit if he had really overreacted. And if he had, how much time was he supposed to give her if four years isn't long enough, as those on Sierra's side seemed to suggest.
An additional clarification that provides context for his side
Since commenters asked, the man noted that both he and Sierra were 29 at the time of his post. He also mentioned that his first proposal hadn't come out of nowhere for Sierra. Shortly before he planned it, they had discussed the prospect of marriage.
When they had, Sierra had seemed excited about the idea of marrying him and even told him that she couldn't see herself with anyone else. As he said, "She seemed eager about the idea of marriage which is why I was shocked the first time and then angry the second time."
The commenters could feel his pain
Unlike the man's friends, the commenters he reached out to were sympathetic about how emotionally frustrating that the past year had been. They also agreed with his instincts that Sierra's problem wasn't a lack of time to decide what she wanted.
As one user wrote, "One NO is recoverable. Two NO and a "fine I'll do it" under duress is not. You were right. And your gut is right, there is something holding her back." And again, she wasn't very forthcoming about what it was.
What was Sierra waiting for?
Many users were convinced that after four years and two proposals, it should be clear to the man that Sierra doesn't really want to marry him. One also believed that he could have saved himself a year with a more in-depth conversation after the first proposal.
As Reddit user oiler1996 wrote, "When she asked for time after the first proposal she should have explained everything and said why she needed time, in depth." Since she didn't, she should be surprised that his patience has run out.
Another perspective on the same conclusion
Although other users agreed that this conversation certainly needed to take place and that this relationship is likely over, that didn't mean they felt it was fair to assign 100% of the blame for their miscommunication on Sierra.
One argued that if neither of them could have an honest conversation about that first rejection, marriage wouldn't have worked for them anyway. In this person's words, "How silly is it to ask the question, get a 'no', not have a real conversation about it and then just ask again a year later?"
Sierra could be unwittingly doing the man a favor
Regardless of who was at fault for the circumstances that led up to the man's dilemma, the vast majority of commenters didn't feel he was wrong for wanting to part ways with Sierra. That was especially true in light of her response to his second proposal.
As one commenter explained, "The fact she changed her mind about it after you left and then had friends and family messaging you and insulting you just means you dodged a massive burden by not actually marrying her."
How long did Sierra expect him to wait?
As many commenters saw it, the man had no reason to believe that Sierra would get any closer to finding the right time to accept his proposal no matter how much time he gave her. After all, both of her rejections were noticeably vague.
In the words of one commenter, "You are perfectly right to move on. She can not expect you to wait for her forever. She hasn't even given you a legitimate excuse as to why she can’t."
Rejecting her panicked "yes" was his best decision.
Commenters also couldn't fault the man for refusing to count her damage controlling "fine, I'll marry you" as a genuine response. As one user said, "You read it right. If someone says no and only when you show a willingness to walk away says 'Fine I'll do it,' that is not the one you want to have say yes."
After all, let's say he did accept this answer and they got married. Would it be a surprise to anyone if the inevitable fights they would have always featured Sierra throwing the fact that she didn't want to marry him in the first place in his face?
Sierra may have never wanted to marry him at all
One user saw enough red flags in Sierra's behavior to share a plausible suspicion. As they said, "My first instinct is that she knows she doesn't want to be married to you, but is afraid of being alone."
Although they expressed that the man would have been deeply wrong if he used the threat of breaking up to coerce her to say yes to him, the desperation behind her saying yes led him to step away entirely. That shows that her reticence was a genuine dealbreaker for him.
There were options besides "no" if she needed time
Another factor that supported these users' suspicions were the fact that the man received an unequivocal "no" each time he proposed. If Sierra genuinely wanted to marry him but simply wasn't ready to do so, that may not have been the case.
After all, some commenters pointed out that there's no set timeline for engagements. Once one starts, it's not unheard of for a couple of years to pass before that engagement actually translates to a marriage. The fact that a long engagement hadn't occurred to hear isn't a great sign.
Sierra didn't seem to feel the love as strongly as he did
Despite what Sierra had told the man, her actions left commenters less than convinced that she was anywhere near as close to considering him her soulmate as he felt about her. As they saw it, she probably could imagine being with someone else.
Indeed, that was a common reason people landed on for why she hesitated so much. As one user put it, "The fact she either wouldn't or couldn't articulate a reason for waiting longer is not a good thing. It brings to mind 'I'll marry you if nothing better comes along.'"
Sierra had her chance. Two of them, at that
Unsurprisingly, Reddit users had a lot to say about the harassment the man received from Sierra's family and friends. For some of them, it wasn't remotely fair to characterize the man as throwing away his relationship in the wake of her rejection.
If anything, they believed Sierra brought about its downfall herself. In the words of one commenter, "She threw away the relationship by being unwilling to commit. And even at that, being a fiancee itself isn't that much more of a committal since not everyone gets instantly married."
Her family showed him who they are
People were also concerned about the barrage of messages in and of itself. To them, the fact that Sierra keeps the kind of company who would try to bully him into taking her back should indicate darker things about her character than he seemed to realize.
As one user put it, "Her family telling you that you are being a big baby is even more of an indicator that you have no business marrying this woman. Because if her own family is this toxic, then what does that say about her? Or her friends?"
Sierra revealed her own selfishness even before that
Another commenter couldn't help but notice that based on the way both Sierra and her allies treated him after he grew tired of the run-around, she saw her relationship as being all about her feelings. Otherwise, she would have shown any sign of appreciating how frustrating this was for him.
To speak to this point, many commenters jumped on the fact that she only agreed to marry him once she realized she stood to lose him. However, one user cut more directly to the root of the matter. As they said, "You did a good thing for yourself. Ur hurting too but she obvs doesn't care."
Ultimately, Reddit felt the man was mostly in the right
The only consistent criticism Redditors had with regards to the man's actions was that there was so much communication that needed to happen before the second proposal. Just waiting a year without probing into why she said "no" the first time was not the move.
However, they also felt that a much larger percentage of the blame went to Sierra's lack of commitment, even if they could only speculate on what prompted it. And the uglier her supporters' reaction to his decision to break up was, the more it should confirm in the man's mind that he made the right decision.
After all, Sierra should have some kind of answer
After hearing Sierra's reaction to the second proposal, many commenters felt that it was less than fair of her to expect the man to wait for an unspecified amount of time for an unspecified reason.
If she wanted to save for a house or her dream wedding or was simply more honest about what she was worried about, communicating that would have given the man some idea of the goal that needs to be fulfilled before a wedding could happen. And with that idea would come at least a rough sense of how much time she needed.
Kicking the can down the road
However, by saying vague things like "I'm not in the right space personally to get engaged" and "I just want to make sure that this will work," she gives the impression that she's stringing him along. At best, she's vainly hoping that more time will somehow resolve her unexplored feelings despite that already not being the case.
At worst, the truth looks closer to how Reddit user actuallywaffles characterized the situation. In their words, "Just 'I need an unspecified amount of time for a mysterious reason' just looks like she's not as into this relationship as he is."
She may be spear fishing, not trawl fishing
Although some suggested that Sierra's reticence to get married until the man was ready to leave her could be the result of her keeping her options open, others felt that her sudden "Fine, I'll marry you" indicated that she already had someone in mind.
To them, such a panicked reversal of course indicated that whoever she felt she really wanted wasn't as reliable as the man she already had. As Reddit user DementedJay put it, "Her reaction is like 'I have a thing, I was hoping for something better, now I'm going to lose the thing, oh no.'"
A more likely response if she genuinely wasn't ready
As DementedJay saw it, if Sierra was genuinely not feeling prepared to accept the man's proposal, her response to him deciding he couldn't wait anymore would have been different. She may have been about as sad, but she would have insisted on her terms.
As the commenter put it, her response would have been closer to, "This hurts, but yeah, I can see why you'd want to move on, our timelines aren't matching up." Even if it was more aggressive, she would have chastised him for his lack of patience, but still let him go.
The sunk cost fallacy
One commenter found the fact that Sierra's friends and other allies admonished the man for "throwing away a four year relationship because she said no" interesting, given that his whole problem was that he felt like he was wasting his time.
If he threw another year into the relationship with the same results, would they have said not to throw away a five-year relationship? In Reddit user Safford1958's words, "Just how many years do they want him to invest into the relationship that she is not invested in herself?"
Regardless of her intentions, the man isn't wrong for leaving
Although some commenters were keen to speculate on Sierra's true intentions for stringing the man along, others weren't of the opinion that they ultimately mattered. Instead, they believed that Sierra legitimately didn't know what she wanted in her relationship.
However, they also agreed that this is Sierra's problem to figure out. She may very well need time for that, but the man isn't obligated to stick around and wait for the possibility that she truly wants him. After all, it would have all been a waste of time if she ultimately didn't.
It's easy to forget how much this came out of nowhere
One commenter mentioned that the man had essentially done everything right before the first proposal. He discussed the prospect of marriage and gauged her response before doing it, which made her rejection surprising.
If he had just sprung the proposal on her, there wouldn't be any reason to expect she'd rush into such a commitment. However, as they said, "Knowing that they talked about it then she switched up when it came time to do the work definitely rubs salt on the wound."
Even taken at her word, Sierra could never be sure
Even if Sierra meant that "I just want to make sure that this will work" with every fiber of her being, it's hard to imagine what would have reassured her that it would. As one commenter pointed out, it's essentially impossible to know how a relationship will go even after marriage.
In her words, "My grandparents got divorced IN THEIR 70S!! And my parents got divorced after like 16 years. You have no way of telling if something is going to last."
The man was willing to do what nobody else was
Some commenters commended the man's realistic understanding of marriage and proposals, and for sticking to them even in the face of pressure to acquiesce. He seemed to be the only one who recognized the relationship had run its course.
As one user said, "It's maybe an unpopular take but I feel like if you don't know after two years that you want to marry someone, you're not going to ever want to marry them. Sometimes people acquiesce when push comes to shove, but that's not a path to happiness for either party."
A consideration for the future
Although most commenters were focused on the matter at hand, a few others wanted to encourage the man who treat Sierra as a pretty unusual case in the world of dating and relationships.
In other words, they urged him to try his best not to let this sad ending to things affect his future relationships. Someday, he'll meet a woman who's much more forthright and resolute about what she wants out of life and love.
